The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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