the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
