I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
