so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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