i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
