she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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