i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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