Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
