Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
