took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
