I can text with my tongue
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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