Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
