I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
