I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
