just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
