she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
