I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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