The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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