I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
