Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize