The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also, beer. Big fan.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
