OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize