I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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