At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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