So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
