My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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