Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
