so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
