I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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