i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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