I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
