So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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