Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
