every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
