there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
