Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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