I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
