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How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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