im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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