Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
