When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
