saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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