She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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