Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
