Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
