Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
