I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
