Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize