i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
whose parrot is this?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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