True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
