my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
