I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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