grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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