he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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