Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
