Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
