Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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