I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
