Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
