my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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