I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We don't watch enough power rangers
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
