I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
